Title: Fanfic Anyone?
Author: Anne M. (mulder_its_me1013@hotmail.com)
Rated: Um, I’d say R for implied hot monkey-like love making, lol. Oh, and
some language, too.
Classification: DGR, humor, parody of fanfics in general
Archive: DAGS, POGAD, DGR Veterans, all else ask me first
Summary: David and Gillian write a fanfic. Need I say more?
Disclaimer: David and Gillian own themselves. Mulder and Scully aren’t mine
either. What a downer. The latter two belong to the surfer guru Chris
Carter, 1013 productions, Fox, etc.

Author’s notes: To my Shippa Sista. Thanx for being there through the good
times and bad. Thanx for being there when I needed you the most. Thanx for
the hours upon hours we spend talking on the phone. Thanx for loving The
X-Files and Metallica, too. But most of all, thanx for just being you.
(P.S. another cop goes without handcuffs)

David and Gillian sat in the darkness of her living room. Waves were
crashing on the sea wall outside, a background noise to the television set
that was emitting light into the room. To the casual observer, this might
look like a night alone for a married couple, since Gillian was curled up in
his arms. The two of them were watching “all things”, this being the first
night that they got the chance to meet at her place and view the tape.

As the credits started to roll, David said, “I bet the fans had a field day
with that one.”

“Oh yes,” Gillian replied. “I bet the fanfic was pouring out.”

David raised an eyebrow. “You read fanfic, Gilly?”

“Yep. You?”

“All the time.”

“NC-17?”

“Is there anything else?”

Gillian laughed . . . hard. “Geez, Gill,” he said, “I haven’t seen you that
happy since we filmed the flashback scene.” That remark earned him a pillow
in the head.

“David, I am not surprised that you would be into smut fanfiction.”

“Well, Gill, we have done it all,” he replied with his trademark smirk. “You
know, I bet we would make good fanfic writers. I mean after all, I did write
‘The Unnatural’ and ‘Hollywood A.D.’ . . . And you, well, you wrote that
fine piece of ‘leaving it up to the imagination’ writing we just saw.”

“You’re not serious, are you?” she asked.

“Of course I am. I think that we should put our minds together and write a
fanfic. What do you say?” He flashed her the puppy dog look. He knew she
couldn’t resist it.

“Fine.”

David did a little victory dance around the room, similar to the moves he
busted in “Dreamland” and headed towards the computer room. “Well, aren’t
you going to join me?”

“Right now?”

“Yes right now. Fine works of literature wait for no one.”

Gillian stood up and walked seductively across the room towards David. In a
low voice she said, “I uh, thought that we could get some *inspiration* for
our romantic fanfic first.”

As she led him by the loops on his jeans down the hall towards the bedroom,
he said, “Well, I guess it could wait a little while.”

*****

Our two creative masterminds were feeling much better after their . . . oh
how did David put it? . . . romp in the sack. They both sat down to the
computer and stared blankly at the screen.

“So . . .” David said.

“So . . .” she replied, just as lost.

“I guess that we should start with deciding on a genre, rating, that sort of
thing.” Gillian nodded. “Ok, MSR?”

“Definitely.”

“NC-17?”

Gillian nodded again. “Ok, David, let’s think about the fanfic that we’ve
read. What are some scenarios that make for a good smut-fic?”

He thought for a moment before responding. “How about an FBI ball one?”

“Nah,” she replied, “it’s been done to death.”

“Ok, because I was just thinking that we were experienced with party sex.”

Gillian gave him The Look. “How about Mulder and Scully get drunk? That
always works,” Gillian suggested.

“No, because then they won’t remember it. But we are experienced in drunken
sex, so we’ll put that in the maybe pile.”

Gillian smiled. “How about camping!” David suggested. “Whenever Mulder and
Scully go out into the woods, it usually rains sleeping bags if you catch my
drift. And we have had sex in the woods before!”

“David, we’ve had sex everywhere. That argument won’t help us much. But I do
like the idea of them being in nature.” She thought for a second. “I’ve got
it!”

“What?”

“They could go to a teamwork seminar! You know, it could be one of those
where they put Mulder and Scully into one room with one bed and expect them
to become ‘closer’ when really all they do is screw each other.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“I thought you might,” she smirked.

And so our intrepid heroes got to typing their literary masterpiece, a
fanfic that will forever be remembered.

*****

Title: Thank You, Skin Man
Author: David D. and Gillian A.
Classification: MSR, humor
Rated: NC-17
Summary: Mulder and Scully are sent to a teamwork seminar. We think you know
the rest.
Disclaimer: Um, do we own them?

~x~x~x~

“I can’t believe he is sending us to a fucking teamwork seminar!” Scully
exclaimed as she gathered her coat and briefcase with Mulder in their
basement FBI office.

“Such language, Scully,” he replied in his usual smart-ass way.

“Oh bite me, Mulder.”

While many thoughts regarding her statement rushed through his mind, Scully
gave him The Look. “Oh come on, Scully, it can’t be that bad. I mean, at
least we don’t have to go with Mr. and Mrs. Boring like we did two years
ago. And besides, won’t it be fun to spend time with a hottie like me?” He
gave her one of those smiles that melted hearts.

“I’ll be in the car,” she replied and walked out of the door.

~x~x~x~

As they drove down the road, both of the agents’ minds were filled with less
than partnerly thoughts.

*A retreat with Mulder? Ok, so it’s not exactly the romantic rendezvous that
I would have hoped to go on with him, but hey, it’s a few days alone with my
partner. Think of the possibilities . . . Stop it, Dana! These are not
thoughts you should be having! You shouldn’t think about how good his lips
taste, how his strong muscles would cradle you as you both lay together in
bed . . . *

*Keep your eyes on the road. Don’t think about Scully. Keep you eyes on the
road. Damn it, I said not to look at her! Oh shut up, rational thought! How
could I not think about my partner? She is the sexiest woman on earth, and
she’s sitting right next to me. Gosh, I would love to just pull this car
over and hop in the back seat with her . . .*

*****

“That’s a good touch, David.”

“Thanks. Car sex was fun, too.”

*****

When Mulder and Scully reached the seminar buildings, they were greeted by
an overly perky woman who wore the name tag, “Hi! My name is Tea!”

Scully whispered to her partner, “What the hell kind of name is Tea?”

“Hi! Good to meet you! I’m Tea and I’ll be one of your counselors. You must
be Agents Mulder and Scully,” the woman said as she extended her hand. As
she said Mulder’s name, she gave him a look that basically said, ‘You will
be mine.’ Scully, seeing this, gave the ‘touch him and you’re dead, you hear
me whore?’ look. Tea backed off.

“I’ll show you to your room.”

*Room?*

*One room?*

They followed Tea past other couples being shown to their respective cabins,
looks of bewilderment on their faces equal to those on our heroes’.

“Here we are. Room 1013.”

*****

“1013?” Gillian asked.

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

*****

Tea opened the door. What the agents saw nearly gave them a heart attack.

One bed.

“Are you sure there hasn’t been some sort of mistake?” Scully asked.

“Yeah, this *definitely* wasn’t in the brochure,” Mulder said dryly.

Tea, who was still trying to check out Mulder’s ass without being too
obvious said, “No, there hasn’t been a mistake. This is our new approach to
helping with a male/female partnership. When we used to get men and women
partners who were at each other’s throats, we put them in the same room with
two beds and all they did was fight and separate. They didn’t have to use
teamwork at all. Then a while back we got the idea to put just one bed in
the room and it’s worked out ever since. You’d be surprised with what
partnerships we’ve saved with this technique.” Mulder and Scully were just
dumbfounded.

Slowly, they walked over to the bed and just stared at it for a moment
before reluctantly putting their things down on it.

Tea’s voice rang out once again. “Ok, we’ll all meet in five minutes in the
main conference room. There we’ll go over some of the objectives and
specifics of what we do here. I’ll see you then!”

Just as the door closed, Mulder said, “Perky people like that make me sick.”

~x~x~x~

Mulder and Scully walked inside the double doors that lead to the main
conference room. There were other partners scattered about the room, all
looking as pissed off as the Spookys were. They ambled over to the circle
that was being formed on the ground and spotted their instructor.

“All right, people, let’s settle down! That’s right, form a circle. Good,
now you’ve got it. Yes, that’s right, a circle,” he was saying. As soon as
all of the highly educated agents were able to make the simple geometric
shape, he began.

“Hello, my name is Rodney. I’ll be your counselor while you’re all here.”

*****

“Rodney? Gosh, you really hated him didn’t you?”

“Damn straight.”

“Good. I did too.”

*****

“Counselor?” Scully whispered to her partner. “It sounds like we’re in
summer camp.” Mulder chuckled.

“Excuse me, do you two have something to share with the whole group?”
Rodney asked as if he was their teacher.

“No,” they managed to mumble.

“Excuse me? I can’t year you.”

“No, sir,” they stated a little louder. Scully was now a bright red.

“Good, now let’s go on. What I want to explain to you all are the basics of
our retreat. As you all noticed when you put your baggage in your rooms is
that there is only one bed. You will also notice that all of the partners
around you consist of one male and one female. This is a technique that has
proven very successful to help out members of a male/female partnership. It
strengthens teamwork and your cooperation skills. And remember, the FBI
doesn’t need agents who aren’t team players.”

Scully had the oddest feeling that she had heard that somewhere before.

“Now we asked your AD’s to keep our plans a secret, but we build successful
partnerships with a little strategy called ‘close quarters’. This means that
for the next 24 hours, you and your partner will be locked in your rooms
together. There is no television set in your room. All you have for
entertainment is a deck of cards. You will also need to know that the only
number your telephones will reach is my room where you can call if there is
an emergency. As far as food goes, we will deliver your meals to your room.
I hope you all like Chinese food.” That joke got a small laugh. “All right,
any questions?”

Mulder and Scully barely heard anything he said after no television. How
were they going to get through this?

After a few minutes of assorted dumb-ass questions from other agents, the
counselors took two pairs of agents each and took them to their rooms. As
luck would have it, Mulder and Scully were stuck with Tea, as were two other
agents.

“Agents Rabb and MacKenzie,” said the tall man as he gestured to his shorter
partner.

*****

“Rabb and MacKenzie???” Gillian exclaimed.

“Ok, so I watch ‘JAG’. So sue me.”

“Oh goodness, you might have just as well named them Colleen and Greg.
Besides, Harm is Navy and Mac is Marines. They’re not FBI.”

“Bite me, Gilly.”

*****

“Agents Mulder and Scully,” Mulder said. The agents shook hands. Tea
couldn’t help but notice the similarities between the two sets of partners.

“Well, here you are,” Tea said to Mulder and Scully when they reached their
little cabin.

“Was it really necessary to escort us back here?” Mulder asked.

“Of course, silly. I have to lock you in.”

“Yeah, of course, silly,” Scully said in a mocking voice. Tea didn’t seem to
get it.

They walked inside once again and Tea said, “Bye! See you tomorrow!
Remember, the key to a good partnership is communication!” With that, she
closed the door. The agents could hear her lock it from the outside. This
was going to be a long night.

Mulder flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Scully came over
and sat beside him on the bed, equally as lost as her partner. “Scully, why
did we have to go to this teamwork seminar in the first place?”

“I dunno, Mulder. We get along just fine. And we haven’t had very many
fights. Shit, the last time we fought was when you ditched me to go with
Diana.”

*****

Gillian said sarcastically, “Diana, Tea, poh-tay-toh poh-tah-toh.”

“Smart ass.”

“Your ass isn’t so bad, either.”

*****

“Yeah, well, the time before that I believe it was when you ditched *me* to
go sleep with Ed what’s-his-name.”

“Mulder, that’s none of your damn business!”

“Oh and my life before I even met you is yours?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” said Mulder, “that you always get pissed off at me when I so
much as look at another woman and yet I’m supposed to look the other way
when you go pick up guys at a bar?”

“Gosh, we sound like we’re married. I guess we really did need this
seminar,” Scully laughed.

Mulder chuckled as well. “Well, Scully, we practically are married.. We
spend every day together and neither of us has a relationship outside of
work. Hell, Scully, we even have space in each other’s closet for our
clothes.”

“It’s like we’re married, only we don’t sleep with one another,” Scully said
lightheartedly.

But Mulder was all too serious. “What’s stopping us?”

There was a moment of silence as they comprehended what was about to
happen.
Mulder, who was now sitting up, leaned towards his partner and she did the
same. As their lips drew closer they both closed their eyes. Their lips met
and –

*CENSORED*

*****

“Wow, that’s pretty hot, David.”

*****

*CENSORED*

*****

“Damn I’m talented!” David exclaimed.

“Yes you are. Goodness, yes you are.”

*****

*CENSORED*

*****

“I don’t think *we’ve* ever done that.”

“Wanna try it?”

“After we finish the fanfic, Hot Pants.”

*****

*CENSORED*

*****

“Here, David, let me take over for a while.”

“Be my guest, Gilly.”

*****

*CENSORED, baby, CENSORED*

*****

“Is that even legal, Gillian?”

“Probably not.”

*****

The next morning . . .

“Wow, Mulder. All I can say is wow.”

“Why didn’t we do that earlier?” Mulder asked.

“I have no idea,” she responded.

There was a knock at the door. “Agents, rise and shine!” said the annoying
voice of Tea.

Mulder scrambled to get his boxers on and Scully ran into the bathroom to
hide. “Agents, are you in there?”

“Yeah, coming!” Mulder yelled.
He heard the door unlock and Tea stepped in. What she saw nearly gave her a
heart attack. There were articles of clothing strewn about, a bra on the
lampshade, a button-up shirt hanging off a chair. Her eyes wandered over to
the headboard, where the tie that Mulder wore the day before was tied to the
post. She didn’t even want to think about what its use was.

“So, uh, I take it that you two are getting along?” Tea asked in a squeaky,
forced voice.

“Yeah, you could say that,” he smirked.

“Well, um, just check out and you’re free to go.”

“Thanks,” Mulder responded. Tea turned around to leave. He shut the door
behind her.

When the coast was clear, Scully stepped out of the bathroom. Of course, she
was as naked as the day she was born, and Mulder couldn’t resist the
temptation to walk over to her and take his partner in his arms. They both
smiled.

“What’s-her-name stopped by and said that we can check out and leave,”
Mulder explained.

“Mm, I can’t wait to get you home,” Scully said seductively.

He kissed her passionately and they somehow made their way over to the
already rumpled bed. Between kisses, Mulder said, “Remind me to send Skin
Man a ‘Thank You’ note when we get back.”

The End

*****

“We are damn good,” Gillian said.

“I wholeheartedly agree.”

“So what do we do now?” There was a moment of silence.

“I suppose that we could send it out to an archive or list or something like
that.”

“Hey, what about that insane list we found a while back?”

“The one where they have nothing better to do than to write soft porn about
us?”

“Yep.”

“Sweet.” After a moment, David continued. “Hey Gill, what about that new
move we were gonna try out . . .”

*****

It was a normal Sunday morning for Anne and Heather. They were running up
the phone bills as usual, talking about everything from how much Metallica
rocks to the latest David/Gillian conspiracy. This time, however, their
conversation shifted to the controversial new fanfic that was sent to their
list.

“Did you read it?” asked Anne.

“Hell yes. It was pretty steamy . . . and kinkier than our fanfics. I didn’t
think it was possible,” Heather replied.

Her friend laughed. “No kidding.”

After a moment, a light bulb of sorts went off over Heather’s head. “Wait a
minute . . . didn’t you get a sense that this fanfic would be like something
only Dave and Gill could come up with?”

“I did. It seems like some of the stuff in there only they would do. But it
would be funny if they were the authors.”

“Yeah it would. But it’s pretty far out there. Even for us.”

“Uh-huh. I mean David and Gillian writing fanfic . . . ridiculous.”

“Totally.”

*****

“Well, David, I’d say that our fanfic was a success.”

“I concur. We got all that nice feedback, even an award or two [hint, hint,
wink, wink, lol. Just kidding.].”

“Yep. Well, David, I think we just might have a future in writing.”

“You think so, Gill?”

“Oh yes, but our acting still comes first.” She gave him a look that said
‘come hither’.

“What are you suggesting?”

“Well, I was thinking that we might want to conduct an ‘experiment’ of sorts
and see if our fanfic is worth *acting out*.”

The smile on David Duchovny’s face was never bigger.

“My dear, that’s the best suggestion I’ve heard in a long time.”

As the two of them walked eagerly down the hall towards the bedroom, their
echoed voiced could still be heard.

“I can’t believe they’re sending us to a fucking teamwork seminar!”

“Such language, Scully.”

*****

The End